prose

Pilot

We’ve often compared our lives to a TV sitcom. I think it’d make a great one. Hence:

PAM and CAT are in Pam’s room. PAM is a bubbly personality, always talking and laughing. CAT usually laughs at everything, too, but she is doing her homework and hates the world at this moment. PAM is eating a really diabetic-looking strawberry donut and making sex-like ‘mmm’ noises.

PAM: These donuts. Are. So. Good. Try it.

PAM waves the donut in CAT’s general direction. CAT doesn’t look up from her work.

CAT: They look cancerous.

PAM’s face falls, and she pouts.

PAM: Just try it! Look, it’s smothered in strawberries and glaze and it’s seasonal! THESE ARE SPECIAL DONUTS.

CAT: No, I don’t want to. It looks like strawberries covered in gross.

PAM sits up abruptly, looking frantic. She begins gesturing wildly with the donut in hand.

PAM: You don’t understand me, Cat. You never have! I can’t believe I call you my best friend.

CAT looks unfazed and continues to do physics or whatever.

PAM is desperate at this point, and her gesturing gets even crazier…

ENTER HIROKI and CHRISTUS. HIROKI comes off as permanently angry about some small infraction someone at some time has incurred, but we later realize that he sometimes smiles, like when he is around CHRISTUS. CHRISTUS is bearded and looks fluffy [obviously this is no longer true, but it was when I wrote this]. Everyone loves him because he is adorable, but he hates everyone. They walk in the room.

The donut leaves Pam’s hand, in a graceful arc, and plants itself elegantly on HIROKI’s face. The donut slides down slowly, leaving a trail of strawberry grossness.

Silence, and then CHRISTUS begins chuckling and dancing strangely. He takes out a peach-flavored cigar and lights it.

Many things happen simultaneously. PAM runs over to HIROKI with a napkin:

HIROKI: Why?….

PAM, amidst laughter: I AM SO SORRY.

HIROKI, standing very still: Fuck you.

CAT, observing: Wow, that donut looks even grosser now.

PAM, turning to CHRISTUS: Dude, not in my room!

CHRISTUS puts out the cigar and sulks in the corner.

HIROKI manages to wipe most of the donut off his person. He looks unamused.

HIROKI, loudly: Pam, this why I never visit you.

HIROKI walks over to the window and attempts to open it.

CAT: Uh, the door…is over there.

All watch as HIROKI tries to make the window into a functional door.

HIROKI: It…has…hinges…IT WAS A DOOR ONCE AND YOU KNOW IT

HIROKI struggles for a prolonged period of time, until CHRISTUS breaks out into dance and begins singing softly,

Saggy pants, this is my saggy pants dance

My booty is mine

*In the background Hiroki mutters, “I’m a warrior”

CUT TO dinner, at Mudd

The four sit glumly at a circular table, in a remote corner. The corner seems isolated from the bustling dining hall.

CHRISTUS pokes at a cup of Jell-o.

CHRISTUS, grinning: Jell-o.

HIROKI and CHRISTUS both have Slurpies. HIROKI picks up his cup and slurps.

HIROKI, to CHRISTUS: I was reading something today and it said that humans eat too much now. We really should be able to survive on 700 calories a day.

CHRISTUS slurps, then, to HIROKI: You’re stupid.

CHRISTUS and HIROKI begin slurping in alternation, for about 30 seconds.

CAT: What. Are. You guys doing.

PAM: I want another donut. I didn’t get to finish mine. Christus, get me a donut!

HIROKI, turning to PAM: Because you threw it in my face.

PAM: I told you I was sorry!

HIROKI: How am I supposed to get this strawberry jizz off my face?

CHRISTUS: You would have jizz on your face, Faggot.

She makes a nervous sad, strange smiling face in an attempt to appease HIROKI. HIROKI blinks at her and then turns to talk to CHRISTUS again.

HIROKI: I’m getting fat.

CAT: Are you…wearing leggings?

HIROKI looks down, then, defensively: Runners wear these.

CHRISTUS: That is unnatural.

PAM: At least the donut didn’t get on them.

CUT TO CHRISTUS’ room.

HIROKI sits on CHRISTUS’ bed. CHRISTUS sits at his computer desk, watching a video of a black man doing black man things. He gets up from his chair, and HIROKI leans over and pokes CHRISTUS’ butt.

CHRISTUS flinches away with sword tai chi motions: What the fuck! Why?!

HIROKI: It looked like you had a nice butt.

CHRISTUS: You’re fucking gay.

HIROKI: If I were gay, I would be in love with you.

CHRISTUS: Get out.

ENTER PAM. She walks into the room as CHRISTUS is poised to spray HIROKI with a can of dust remover.

PAM: GUYS, I need to get laid!

CHRISTUS, points with spray: You get out, too.

HIROKI: I don’t want to hear about this.

ENTER CAT. She looks into the room.

CAT: Hey guys, Pam wants to get laid.

CHRISTUS: Goddamit, shut the door!

HIROKI: I really don’t want to hear about this.

CHRISTUS slumps back into his chair and puts down the spray. He begins to despondently munch on pretzels. CAT walks in and makes a beeline for cheese and crackers.

CHRISTUS: I hate everyone.

CAT pets CHRISTUS’ beard. HIROKI joins in. CHRISTUS looks resigned to his fate of being loved.

PAM: I haven’t had sex in over two months! I just want to make out with someone.

CAT: Guess I’m not sleeping over with you tonight.

PAM: Sorry. My priority is my—

HIROKI, standing up in a huff: CAN YOU GUYS STOP. Fuck this, I’m going to go read.

HIROKI again attempts to leave room through window, and gives up after about 15 seconds. He leaves through the door. The others begin watching a video about bunnies in cups.

CAT: He’ll come back.

CHRISTUS: Unfortunately.

CUT TO CHRISTUS’s room.

PAM, CAT and CHRISTUS are waiting in the room as HIROKI walks in. There is a banner behind them that spells out ‘INTERVENTION.’

CAT: We’re having an intervention.

HIROKI: What.

PAM: It’s because you try to make windows doors.

CHRISTUS: I wanted to have an intervention because you’re too gay, but they said that was something I had to take up with you myself.

HIROKI: I do not!

CAT: Dude, you just did like 2 minutes ago.

HIROKI: No I didn’t.

PAM: You tried to leave. Through the window.

CHRISTUS: You knocked over my fan.

CAMERA pans to floor near window, where the fan is whirling pathetically, facedown.

HIROKI: I didn’t do that.

The others look at each other.

PAM shrugs, then: I don’t think this is working.

CAT: It’s hopeless.

CHRISTUS: Can we move on to the real issue here now? His molesting me?

HIROKI: WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME Christus?!?!.

CAT and HIROKI leave and go into HIROKI’s room. CAT sits on HIROKI’s bed. CAT and HIROKI look at each other. They shrug, and HIROKI sits next to CAT and they start making out.

CAT: This is awkward.

HIROKI: Probably because my roommate is here.

CAMERA pans to the other side of the room, where HIROKI’s roommate has been the entire time, sitting on his bed. He looks up into the camera, eyes wide.

CAT: No, that’s not it.

LATER THAT NIGHT, PAM is drunkenly stumbling at a party. She bumps into a HOT GUY.

HOT GUY: Woah, are you okay?

PAM grabs his shirt collar and they start making out intensely. Obviously she gets laid that night.

THE NEXT MORNING, CAT wakes up to a phone call from PAM.

PAM: OH MY GOD, I HAD THE BEST SEX LAST NIGHT.

CAT: That’s awesome, what happened?

Indistinguishable phone chatter as CAT and HIROKI begin making out while PAM talks on the phone. CAMERA pans to HIROKI’s roommate, again, who is actively pretending to be sleeping.

CUT TO CHRISTUS in his room. He is eating Easy Mac and singing along passionately to ‘My Unfortunate Erection.’

THE END

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