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A History (Or, Things I Want My Friends To Know)

  1. I have anxiety problems. I used to be bulimic. And, usually, I hate calling it that. I didn’t see it as an eating disorder, I saw it as something that had to be done. It was a power thing, I think. While everything else in my life would spiral out of control, I could do this. I had the power to make myself starve (by sticking my fingers down my throat) and silence my mother’s qualms about my body. All without the cost of tasting my favorite foods! Then I fell in love and suddenly I made the promise not to do it anymore. But… I did. To be honest, I’ve never really stopped having this problem. One Summer, the Summer before Senior year, I practically stopped eating because of anxiety issues. And it’s always the same sentence running through my head when I find myself staring into a mirror, seeing a girl with makeup running and hair matted to her face–it’s always, “only when it gets bad.” I really wish I could say that I won’t ever do it again. But a girl can only promise so much in life, am I right?
  2. My parents are divorced. And, honestly, the entire topic of it is tiring. They were divorced even before they were divorced, if you understand what I mean. It usually left me in awe when I met my friends’s parents–they were always affectionate and kind to each other. It always amazed me. What amazed me even more was when this affection translated, also, to their kids.
  3. I’ve moved a total of seven times. All within the same city! The first time I moved, it was to a bigger house where I had my own room. But then divorce came and suddenly I moved a lot more often–to much smaller spaces. I haven’t had my own room since the 4th grade, and that’s why I cherish having a single right now. It’s nice, and on top of that I actually feel like it’s my “home”.
  4. I’ve worked since I was 16. My parents don’t make a lot of money. I depend on my mother and, right now, she’s only working part time cleaning houses. So I’ve always had a job so that I could have some pocket money. It’s also made it so that I was able to pay the out-of-pocket fee for my first semester.
  5. I appease people. This, is obvious. I honestly don’t know why I do it. But I think it stems from when I was younger and I wanted my Dad to “stay”. I also think it stems from when I was older and didn’t want my brother to get married. It’s also probably got to do with guilty feelings, which usually also give me anxiety. But, really, it beats me why I do it, but I’m learning to say “no,” more often.
  6. My parents used to own a restaurant. It was in Old Town, Pasadena. It was called Kuala Lumpur and served Malaysian food. I spent a lot of mornings going with my dad to buy stuff from the supermarket, and a lot of times walking to the bookstore to sit and read.
  7. I hate gambling. Because my father gambled. And it’s the root reason for my parents’ divorce, the loss of the restaurant, and the trillion times I’ve moved. Really, it’s the reason why I’m considered “low income” at all. It’s why I hate money, and it’s why I don’t trust him.
  8. If you can’t tell, I’ve got a lot of Daddy issues. He lied a lot. Like “tells a five year old he’ll take her to Disneyland but then doesn’t” lied a lot. He’s been in debt with people all my life, he got in trouble with the IRS, he smokes cigarettes (hate those, too), takes money from my grandma, stole money from my mom, stole money from me, doesn’t help me with school at all, always guilt trips us, doesn’t have insurance on the car my brother GAVE him (which was supposed to be mine), and is the most selfish man I’ve ever met. And yet, I still remember waking up and running downstairs when I was six to watch Bugs Bunny with him.

I’m sure there’s a bunch of other things, but I think that’ll be all for now. This is mainly about my family, but I think it’s fine. Now you’ll never have to wonder about my past–and honestly, that makes me glad. And even if you haven’t wondered before, I just wanted to let you know.

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